this room is leaving me behind.

For as long as I can remember, change has bothered me. Not so much the changes I can control, but the changes I can't control. I don't mind change so long as I have chosen to implement it. If I've ever told you, or you've ever heard me quoted as saying, "Change is inevitable...change is beautiful...change makes the world go round (I distinctly remember writing that in an essay once)..." or something like that, don't call me up and start arguing with me. I realize I say some contradictory things. I am a contradictory thing. "I'm a walking contradiction." I love and hate almost everything almost equally. I am of differing opinions about most things over the course of a day. Today I presented arguments against one thing and then for that very same thing within a single topic within a single conversation within a single glass of beer. I don't know. Love me or leave me but don't try to change me.

Here's what's bugging me. When people change, which is one of those changes I can't control, one of those changes nobody consults me on, it really bothers me. I don't like it. I'm hurt, depressed, angry, confused. Like I said earlier this weekend while some friends and I were talking about these changed people, when you're friends with someone, you make an investment. It's give and take. (And don't start with me. I know that sometimes I take more than I give. There may be some people reading this and thinking, "Huh. Well, he hasn't called me lately." I'll call you soon, promise.) But you make an investment. Two people start a friendship together, you nuture it, you can see immediately its potential and you take the proper steps to insure that this friendship reaches its potential and that you are both able to reap the rewards that a proper friendship has to offer.

You offer someone your couch to crash on. You clean the vomit off of that couch. They buy you lunch and you laugh about it. They cry, your shoulder gets wet and salty and they thank you the next day when they feel better. You give them a couch for their new apartment. You then crash on their new couch. You call them from a foreign country and they throw you a party when you get back. Time passes. Lives get busy and you don't see eachother as much but that's the way it goes. People have things to do, it doesn't mean anything.

Or does it?

Does it mean that during this time apart they turn into exactly the people you dislke most in the world? Do they go throwing their bodies and emotions around with reckless abandon? These same bodies and emotions you encouraged them to safeguard and treat with respect and share only with those who most deserve and respect them? Do they forget who they are, who they have been and who they can become?

Apparently that's exactly what it means.

You gotta keep 'em separated.

List! So I meant to do this a while back but here it is now. A top 5 list. What are your top five favorite songs from artists that you don't actually like? You hate the artist, and, in spite of yourself, can't deny that you enjoy one of their songs. Which ones are they? Careful. If you think a Creed song might sneak on your list, don't mention it here. I don't want to know about that. Here are mine:

George Michael - "Faith"
Jewel - "Foolish Games"
Nelly Furtado - "Like a Bird"
Seal - "Kiss From a Rose"
Dave Matthews Band - "Crash"

get that future out of my face.

Recently, I made a list of the careers/hobbies I want to have. I want to:

-own and operate a Turkish restaurant and a restaurant with a variety of options
-teach History
-coach high school baseball and/or GM a major league team
-own a woodshop and craft fine, handmade wood furniture
-make a movie, of stills (photos) which is also silent
-there were others but I have forgotten them.
-write a book.

I would like to live in Germany, along the Rhine, for maybe a few years. I would also like to have some kids, little girls. Little girls, like cats, you can ignore and they end up mostly ok. They don't really want to have anything to do with you anyway. Just kidding mostly.